Character: Michael Samuelle
Rating: PG – Gen
Summary: Short fic. Michael’s reactions to Nikita’s death. Challenge on Michael’s Harem way back when I first became involved in fandom. What an eye opener. At that time, I didn’t know “Slash” even existed not until much later when someone mentioned it on one of the LFN’s mailing lists.
If only I had known there was so little time. I would have changed the way I approached, the way I demonstrated my feelings to the one person I have loved for all times. I would have blown caution to the winds, not in a way that would have gotten us terminated but through the freedom of my mind in letting my insecurities flow out to take root someplace else.
Yet, I spent years contemplating, protecting my feelings, and not letting go. I put off what was offered me and threw it away in the semblance of cool detachment, and hidden fears. Yes, I sat waiting for the right moment, laying the foundation that when I was ready; it would be the time to show the person all that I felt.
Oh, I gave of myself on an occasion. I couldn’t resist. The first time it happened I was terrified that the person I loved I would never see again.
The second time it happened, it wasn’t real. The mission did not allow for much choice, a display to all of what should have been private and sacred between two people who were beginning to explore the possibilities.
Throughout the trauma of belonging together though, we grew. Elements of trust were established, a sort of forgiveness given for the things that were done. And the understanding that trust is the most important aspect of any relationship regardless where it grows even in this tough environment of our lives.
I finally realized that she loved me. I finally admitted to her that I would find a way.
***
We were on a mission to capture the person who had orchestrated the destruction of the Tower Building. Horror exploded within me when I learned thousands of lives were lost. No one except her knew how this incident affected me. The image of grieving families for their loved ones engraved on my mind. All the time thinking where was my son, Adam, is he safe? I had to, no, I needed to destroy this person, an abomination that had no right to live and take another breath on this earth.
It happened in England. We were closing in on the compound where the hated enemy was stationed. As Team Leader in charge of this mission, I gave the orders to send everyone into position with the help from the command station at Section One. When she called in that she had spotted this person, I rushed with hidden fury to overtake him. Gunfire erupted trying to take us down. I unknowingly stepped out into the hall and faced a man with a gun. Before I could register what was happening, she had suddenly jumped in front of me, taking a bullet that ended her life.
***
I sit here in agony hovering over my cello taking my bow to draw over the strings creating the melodic tones of grief that I feel. So much guilt and pain, thinking if I had not rushed out with vengeance into the hall, she would still be alive today waiting for the time I found a way for us. If I had known, I would have opened my soul to her the first year we met because I knew then that despite myself I loved her.
Nikita…I can finally say her name. “Ni-ki-ta,” I hum softly with tears flowing gently down my face. She gave herself to me in a way I can never re-pay. She saw past my shields and showed me a meaning to life I thought was dead. And in dying in a way that exemplifies Nikita, she gave me one last thing — the gift of life. Maybe one day I’ll appreciate it.
–end–
No related posts.
